Transformers 2: is it any good?

Who? Shia LaBeouf (twitchy), Megan Fox (lippy), Isabel Lucas (magnetic)

What’s it about? Two years have passed since Megan Fox leant over Bumblebee’s bonnet in ripped denim shorts. The Autobots are still on earth, working alongside the US military to protect the earth from further Decepticon attacks. One particularly evil Transformer – The Fallen – is masterminding a plan to destroy all the Autobots and, while he's at it, Earth. Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf) is starting college and Megan Fox is still wearing ripped denim shorts, except this time she’s bent over a motorbike and has had something injected into her lips. It’s weird. But hot.

What’s good about it? Beats the first film in many ways. It’s bigger and brasher and there are more characters. Visually, it rocks. The fight sequences are better choreographed and there’s more ‘expression’ in the up-close shots of the Transformers’ faces. Large parts of New York, Paris, Shanghai and the Egyptian desert all get blown to shit. In particular, a forest scene in which Optimus Prime slugs it out with three Decepticons (and unsheaths his magic swords), is awesome. As is the end sequence: the plot (and therefore the fate of the world) pivots on ‘magic dust’, the US army are shouting “Bring the rain!” and Megan Fox is scrambling around in white trousers while the sun sets on the pyramids, which are topped, tinsel like, with giant shiny robots. It’s just so poetically retarded.

What’s bad about it?

Apart, obviously, from Megan Fox, the best characters in Bay’s first film were Optimus Prime and Bumblebee. But here their screen time takes backstage to a pair of tedious Smart car-style Autobots called Mudflap and Skids. They’re the robotic equivalent of Jar Jar Binks, but exactly twice as annoying. And then there’s a Decepticon that’s basically a 200ft vacuum cleaner with a massive pair of wrecking balls for bollocks. Which, obviously, is stupid. But the main problem is that it’s WAY too long. They could easily have lobbed 45 minutes off and ended up with a better end product.

Verdict: It’s like watching a blender for two hours while someone shouts at you. And then the last half an hour is the same, except it’s more like having your head strapped to a washing machine while you watch a blender and someone shouts at you. And you really need to piss. Still, wicked fun.