The perfect girl next door lives an ocean away

It’s not just terrorists, environment lovers and Idol runners-up who despise Americans nowadays—it’s the entire global-warming hating world. Facing the scorn of billions is worth the hassle, however, so long as there’s one lady out there who adores us.

“I love America!” exclaims Keeley Hazell, the beautiful 19-year-old Brit with more shore-storming weapons than The Beatles and Mr. Bean combined. “England is like a Little America because everything seems to originate there. You gave us Pizza Hut. I love Pizza Hut!”

The Stuffed Crust’s biggest fan went from anonymity to overnight international sensation by winning a competition in England’s “biggest selling newspaper,” The Sun, and its magnificent—if not heroic—section entitled Page 3.

“Every day, a new beautiful girl gets naked on page three of the newspaper,” explains the Bromley, London, UK, native. “It’s a family newspaper, so it’s not sleazy—it’s just girls with their boobs out. I’m sure there are plenty of good-looking American girls you could put
on your page threes.”

Maybe that will finally restore our nation’s image!

What country has the sexiest women?
Brazil has sexy women, but America is so big you have so much choice in women. There are so many gorgeous Americans—Carmen Electra, and Angelina Jolie is sexy in every way.

Both with two great things in common. Do you have a nickname for your breasts?
I haven’t gotten around to that yet. They’re my little babies. Their normal size is 32E, but they can fluctuate a good cup size up to 32F. I’d like them bigger, but only if they stay perked. I like big and full and natural.

Do you use them to get free refills?
The only time I’ve actually used my breasts for scheming was when my friend forgot her ID and couldn’t get into a pub. I enhanced my breasts a bit and the guy let us in.

Do you feel your bottom doesn’t get a fair shake?
Some people like it, but personally, I don’t feel like I have the best bum in the world. I’d like to have a bigger one, but there’s not much you can do to make the bum bigger. You can’t have big boobs and a big bum.

Why are your boyfriends the luckiest dudes on the planet?
Because most of them would say that beyond my looks and my boobs they like hanging out with me. I’m like a guy because I drink and am fun to hang out with.

What is the sex drive of a 19-year-old British girl like?
Quite high. I’m happy doing the things a 19-year-old girl does, but when I’m in my 20s, I’ll be hotter than I am now. I think I’ll get better as I get older.