Halloween! Amazing, right? Well, no. Not really. Unless, of course, you enjoy dressing up like a prick and being held prisoner in your own home by borderline-diabetic toddlers. If that’s your bag, you’re probably really happy right now. You’ve probably even got a massive urge to prove your masculinity by not shitting yourself in the face of horrible, graphic violence. In which case, these are your best options. Go nuts!

The Psychological One: Triangle

The story: A group of friends run into trouble when their yacht hits a storm. Abandoning ship, they seek refuge on a passing ocean liner. Only there’s nobody on board, and Jess – our hot female lead – swears she’s been on this boat before. Which wouldn’t be particularly terrifying, unless people started getting killed. Which they do.

The scary thing: It’s one of those ‘psychological’ horrors, so the real beast is within the characters’ minds. Though there’s also a scarecrow-esque character running around who doesn’t look too friendly.

The hot girl: Aussie actress Melissa George is the primary crumpet. She started out in Home and Away back in the ‘90s, and has more recently been seen playing a doctor in Grey’s Anatomy. She’s the film’s leading lady, and thus ought to be running around sweatily and screaming in a pseudo-erotic fashion.

The Funny One: Zombieland

The story: It’s a zombie comedy starring Woody Harrelson, set in a post-apocalyptic future. And in that respect, it’s fair to say it’s one of a kind. It definitely owes something to Shaun of the Dead. Possibly money. Via a court hearing.

The scary thing: Zombies! Shitloads of bloody zombies hungry for soft, moist brains! In keeping with modern times, they’re the fast-moving variety, rather than the slow, shambling undead of classic ‘70s horrors like Dawn of the Dead.

The hot girl: Though Emma Stone has a bigger part, we’re more into Amber Heard, even though she plays (in her own words) a “hideous, disgusting, cool monster”.

The ‘Seriously, Another One?’ One: Saw VI

The story: With the feds closing in on him, Mark Hoffman – prodigy of the sadistic Jigsaw serial-killer – sets up another series of organ-splatting death games. Amazingly, the film only began filming at the end of March this year. Which gives you a clue as to the kind of depth and complexity we’re dealing with.

The scary thing: As ever, it’s the devious, twisted traps that’ll have gorehounds tripping over their own entrails to get to a screening. The centrepiece involves a spinning carousel into which six people are strapped, with another participant forced to off all but two of them with a shotgun. Splendid!

The hot girl: We’re sticking our necks out a bit here, but it’s got to be 46-year-old Betsy Russell. She’s back as Jill Tuck, Jigsaw’s ex-wife. AND she’s been in the A-Team. The ultimate older woman?

The Unapologetic, Corpse-Raping One: Halloween II

The story: Same as the 1978 original, which Rob Zombie is apparently happy to take a massive dump on.

The scary thing: Mega-murderer Michael Myers, played in rather unsubtle fashion by ex-pro wrestler Tyler Mane.

The hot girl: Sheri Moon Zombie – director Rob Zombie’s wife. Pretty safe to say that those two must get up to some really weird shit.