The Lesbian Guide to Straight Dating:
Why Can’t My Girlfriend Fit in with My Friends?
From Jake - I spend lots of time with my girlfriend’s friends and I think they like me. But when my girl is with my buddies, she’s quiet and says they’ve got nothing in common. Why can’t she fit in with my friends?
Answer: To answer your question, we have to break this down into a few parts: What is the environment? What are your friends doing? What is your girlfriend doing?
1. The Environment
First things first, the introduction.
When you are introducing your lady friend to your pals, she needs to feel both welcome and not overwhelmed. Translation: Have your pals put down the “#1” foam hand, get their eye contact where it belongs… no, no, a little higher… and say hello. If you are bringing her into a rowdy situation where talking is impossible unless you’re sharing fantasy baseball tips, you’ll need to take a step back. If she’s shy or not being made to feel like an active participant, she’ll let you boys have all the fun while she watches the clock. Instead of being part of the party, she’ll only go out with you friends to please you and just wait for the timer to run out. What you really want is for her to be a part of the group, not your tagalong girlfriend that no one knows enough to like.
It’s time to level the playing field. Try inviting her to dinner or drinks with a couple of your friends… not all of them. If it’s intimate and not overwhelming, she’ll feel more comfortable opening up. Otherwise, it’s like giving your new quarterback the ball without introducing him to the team. You have to build that trust one person at a time.
Now that you’ve got them in the same room, your buddies will need to make the first move. Since she’s the new guy, so to speak, they’ll need to open the door and invite her in. Then, she’ll need to walk through it and make an effort to get to know them too. They should ask her questions and find out more about her. Show an interest.
Once she builds a relationship and comfort level with a couple of these friends, when you bring her to a party, she’ll already know a few people. From there, it’s a two part growth period: 1) Her new relationship with your friends will create an open-mindedness about getting to know your other friends. 2) The friends she has met will be able to share their opinions of her with the rest of the group, making them more likely to open up to her. Let’s just hope those opinions are good ones.
2. Friend Behavior
How are your friends acting around her? Even in an intimate situation, they need to behave. Sorry, this is not the time to rehash last night’s drunken debauchery… especially if you were part of it. Forget all about sharing those exciting details about the shot girl and your pocket full of digits, and let’s pay attention to the present.
Before your friends even meet your girlfriend, make sure they understand the cardinal rule: never mention the girls from the past. There’s a reason they are in the past, and trust me, nothing good will come of their names or stories being mentioned -- i.e. “Dude, she’s hot. Hey, you totally remind me of this girl he hooked up with in high school. What was it Sherry, Shelly… Sarah?” Foul.
If they don’t know the rules and they act up, not only will it will give your girlfriend a lousy impression of you, but it’ll certainly give her a worst impression of your friends. There’s no recovering from that. Just remember (and remind them), there’s a lady in the room and this isn’t the time to bring it up. That’s not to say some woman can’t take it… but is it really worth it to find out?
3. Girlfriend Behavior
Is your girlfriend this shy around other people or just your buddies? Watch how she reacts to each person. Is someone or something making her uncomfortable or is she just overwhelmed by the situation? Maybe someone struck a nerve.
At the end of the day, what’s key is your communication with her when your friends are not around. Find out what’s in her mind without making her feel like she’s doing something wrong. If you approach her like she’s being annoying, you can forget ever breaking her into the friend-family. She needs to feel validated, that you care about whatever the issue might be. Even if you don’t agree with her, you should listen to what she has to say. If you don’t listen, what would make her think your friends are any different? Believe me, if you show her you genuinely care about her feelings, she’ll tell you what’s up.
Bringing it Home
Remember, it isn’t always easy to be the new girlfriend… particularly when your friends know you’ve been spending all of your time with her -- i.e. “Who is this chick, and why is she stealing our buddy?” Of course, everyone in a new relationship spends every waking hour together. That’s part of the deal. But, try and remember a time when your best pal got holed up with some girl you’ve never met. He started flaking on parties, and bailed early when he actually did show up. How did it make you feel? More importantly, how did it make you feel about his girlfriend? Exactly.
Working your girlfriend into the mix requires all three parts working together. Set up the right environment, set boundaries with your friends and keep that line of communication open with your girlfriend. Everything else will sort itself out. If all else fails, you’ll always have the shot girl.
Email your dating questions and queries to Jaime@fhm.com and she'll answer them soon...